Rules to "Dating" a Church--Choose your "Type"

This is the first installment of a few columns on how to "date" a church. Kasey and I have moved a substantial number of times in the 2 1/2 years we have been married. We have moved almost as frequently as a church-hopping youth pastor. However, we do not pastor churches (never have, maybe will someday... don't know). We are academics. And moving to Carbondale, IL for two years and now to Tallahassee, FL has cause us to consider what we are looking for in a church. Admittedly, we did not attend church the first year we lived in Carbondale. Perhaps it was the atmosphere of moving away from the "home church" that we had known for so long. Perhaps it was the overwhelming feelings we had from grad school. Equally, it could have been that the only churches in town that were catered in any fashion to our age group did not meet what we wanted in a church. Therefore, when we moved to Tallahassee, we decided to make finding a new home church a top priority. We realized that finding a home church is a lot like courting or dating a potential spouse. We have come up with set of stages in a relationship to explain how one becomes a part of a church (later column[s]). But first, you should know your type.

Here I should preface that I do not believe in using the words "shopping" or "hunting" to describe our quest for a home church. A congregation is not a conquest that validates one's identity. Nor is it a commodity that necessitates a market competing for our attendance, service, and tithes. Church is a relationship. It is you belonging to portion of God's family. Therefore, think of your quest for a church in relational terms. Dating, or courting, seem to work very well for me.

I believe that the only way to truly know what type of person you want in your mate is by also deciding what you do not want in a mate. Therefore, I am very much in support of casual dating to get to know personalities and how you interact with those personalities. The same is true of looking for a church. Go to a few different churches. The only way to know if you do or do not like certain aspects of a church is to go there and experience it first hand. Without further ado, here are some tips:

1. Worship is not everything, but it should be something. It is funny how many people do not chose a church or leave a church because of the worship arts. I have been affiliated with roughly 5 local churches who have battled because of generational quibbles over music. The older crowd wishes to uphold the traditions of the hymns (which in their time were often radical departures from established worship styles). The younger crowd wants modern choruses and praise songs to keep themselves and the youth/children interested. Not to mention seekers and "suitors" might be looking for this type of music too. The pastor struggles to find the middle ground. Sadly, I have seen pastors leave their posts over this issue. Perhaps we take the worship style too seriously. Why do we need a rock show or high church liturgy anyway? Lest we forget, some of the greatest religious movements in history started with simple prayer meetings. If a church you visit doesn't pray, there is a problem. Remember, Jesus said his Father's house would be one of prayer. Anyway, the worship style should factor into your decision somewhat. But it should be like your preference in looks of a date.

When I was in youth group, I loved the rock-out praise music. So did Kasey. Then we lost a lot of that when we heard it every other day in chapel at IWU. I really love high church liturgy. Kasey does not at all. We visited an Anglican Church in Tallahassee a few weeks ago (separated from Episcopal Church, this congregation is part of the Nigerian "diocese"). I liked the service. Kasey was ... ok with it. We looked for a happy medium somewhere else. We like a mix of hymns, choruses, praise music, readings, and prayers. What do you like?

2. Look for a church with diversity in demographics, but some other people like you. I cannot stress enough how important diversity is in a local congregation. If everyone was a cookie-cutter of another, then we would have too much head-butting (sound familiar?). No, we would not be in one accord. However, you should not be the sole representative of your demographic. Kasey and I have been part of churches where we were the only dating couple in the collegians, then the only young married couple without kids, then the youngest married couple. Let's face it, the twenty-somethings are pretty absent from most churches. However, find a place where you can interact with people in similar stages of life as you. Remember, you need to make strong relationships with your brothers and sisters in Christ. What type of friends do you need?

3. Establish good rapport with the ministry staff. I am one of those defunct ministry majors who chose the academic life instead of the local church ministry. As such, I always feel I need to establish some rapport with the pastors. Too often, we want to lift pastors up on a pedestal. I don't like that. Establish a friendship with the pastor as co-equals. Kasey and I were part of a church in Johnston City, IL where the pastor and I became friends before we ever set foot in his church (he was one of my students). Sometimes I came to him for pastoral counsel, other times I talked to him as a colleague. Still other times we just chatted like buddies. The other night I was musing over my decision to abandon pastoral ministry. Kasey reminded me of my relationship with Pastor Matt and other friends I have who are ministers or out-of-work ministers. She suggested that maybe my calling is to minister to ministers with my friendship. I like the idea of that. What contribution can you be to the life and ministry of your pastor?

4. Find opportunities for involvement/service. Years ago I moved to Michigan for a summer. In a letter to friends and colleagues, I wrote that I was looking for a church where I could worship, serve, and be fed for the few months I was there. Dr. Keith Drury responded that I should worship, worship worship, and then listed "serve" 17 times. He explained that being fed would come from the first two. He was right. I have never found more fulfillment from a church than when I could be part of the life of that church. That is not to say that I took every leadership role and then I got burnout. Kasey and I love being part of small groups, building very tight chords of intimacy with people our own age with our own interests. Likewise, we volunteer for little things, often this helps us to know people better. And in the process, we find people who genuinely pray for us, support us, and help us. WOW! Talk about being fed. Whatever happened to the simple spiritual gifts of encouragement, intercession, and helps? I am convinced that my responsibility in a church right now (until the Lord calls me to do otherwise) is to be a contributing lay person in a local congregation. What is your calling for serving the local church?

5. Denominational loyalty ... Whatever. When we moved to Carbondale, IL and to Tallahassee, FL we considered finding a nearby Wesleyan Church. But that meant 39 miles from our apartment in Carbondale and 38 miles from our home in Tallahassee. It just seems too far to drive to go to church, since it would take nearly an hour, given city driving. We wanted to be within 10 minutes drive time. In Illinois, we drove 29 miles (35 minutes) to a Free Will Baptist Church. Yeah, that was a bit of a distance, but we were friends with the pastor. In Tallahassee, we wanted to be closer. We are currently "dating" a Nazarene Church 5 minutes from the house. We like the FWB church. They had a lot of the same values as the Wesleyans. The same is true with the Nazarenes. Oddly enough, there are a lot of refugee Wesleyans who attend the Nazarene church because they moved here from the Midwest or from around Bartlesville, OK. If you know anything about the South, you know that Southern Baptists are a dime a dozen (2-3 pages in the phone book in Tallahassee). It seems that the Nazarene church (40 years old) is closest to these Wesleyans' preferences. So far, we like this church.

Kasey's grandmother (the wife of a retired Wesleyan preacher, who has 1 son and 2 sons-in-law who are/were Wesleyan pastors) is convinced that since we keep moving to where there are no Wesleyan churches that this is a sign that God is calling us to plant one. I guess here in Tallahassee, we would have some Wesleyans as our start-up community. Although, I do not see a need to break up what seems to be a good thing happening at this Nazarene church. No, we will not be attending a Wesleyan church while in Florida. Who knows, we might transfer membership someday if we feel led to. Right now, a healthy Bible-believing, prayful community of Christians is more important to us than that "Wesleyan" label. I am sorry if I offended any of my Wesleyan brothers and sisters. Is denominational loyalty important to you?

Conclusion. These are just a few suggestions of how to determine your ideal type in a church. Remember, finding a church is often more of an introspective process. You should ask yourself how you can be part of the life of the church. Don't just focus on what the church can give to you but also what you can give to the church (J. F. Kennedy). Please feel free to respond.